Q31
Are my non-Muslim loved ones lost?
The question, at its strongest
"My mother is not Muslim. My father died last year as a Christian. They raised me and loved me. Am I meant to believe they are lost for ever, and that I may not even ask God to forgive my father? Even the Prophet was not allowed to pray for his own mother. What is the point of my love?"
Why people ask it
Converts, children of mixed families and the bereaved live with this every day. It shapes how they grieve, pray and visit graves.
Short answer
Islam forbids asking God's forgiveness for someone who died a non-Muslim (9:113). It does not ask you to stop loving them. That ruling applies "after it has become clear" that they are people of the Fire, and no one knows that about a particular person, because no one knows whether the message truly reached them (Q14). You may pray for a living relative's guidance, honour non-Muslim parents, grieve, attend the funeral (permitted in Shafiʿi and Hanbali texts), and visit the grave, as the Prophet (pbuh) did his mother's. The strict majority holds that someone who clearly heard and rejected is not saved, but the "never heard clearly" excuse is mainstream, not fringe.
The full answer
4min read
For the heart and mind
Your love is not a sin; the Prophet (pbuh) wept at his mother's grave. Abu Hurayra (ra): "The Messenger of Allah visited the grave of his mother and he wept, and moved others around him to tears, and said: I sought permission from my Lord to beg forgiveness for her but it was not granted to me, and I sought permission to visit her grave and it was granted to me so visit the graves, for that makes you mindful of death" (Muslim 976 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)). The visit, the tears and the remembering were all permitted. Grief for a non-Muslim parent is part of the Prophet's (pbuh) own life.
Leave the judgement with God. You are not asked to know where they are. You are asked to be faithful to God and good to them.
What the Quran says
The verse and its occasion. Verse 9:113: "It is not for the Prophet and those who have believed to ask forgiveness for the polytheists, even if they were relatives, after it has become clear to them that they are companions of Hellfire." It was revealed after Abu Talib died, the uncle to whom the Prophet (pbuh) had said: "I will keep on asking Allah's forgiveness for you unless I am forbidden (by Allah) to do so" (Bukhārī 1360 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)). Verse 28:56 was also revealed about him (Bukhārī 4772 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)).
Kindness to non-Muslim parents is commanded. Verse 31:15: "do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness." Verse 60:8: "Allah does not forbid you from those who do not fight you because of religion and do not expel you from your homes – from being righteous toward them and acting justly toward them."
What the Prophet (pbuh) taught
Asmaʾ bint Abi Bakr (ra) and her mother: "My mother came to me… and she was a pagan… shall I keep good relations with her?' The Prophet said, 'Yes, keep good relation with her'" (Bukhārī 2620 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)).
Praying for guidance. When the tribe of Daws refused Islam, the Prophet (pbuh) prayed: "O Allah, guide the tribe of Daws and bring them to me" (Bukhārī 4392 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound); Muslim 2524 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)).
The Prophet's (pbuh) father. Anas (ra) reports that a man asked where his father was. The Prophet (pbuh) said, "in the Fire," then called him back: "Verily my father and your father are in the Fire" (Muslim 203 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)).
How scholars read Muslim 203 and 976. Mulla ʿAli al-Qari and Ibrahim al-Halabi read them literally. Al-Suyuti (d. 1505) argued in Masalik al-Hunafaʾ: "The Prophet's parents died before he was sent as Prophet and there is no punishment for them, since 'We never punish until We send a messenger' (17:15). Our Ashʿari Imams… agree… that one who dies while daʿwa has not reached him, dies saved." Limit: his view requires setting aside the plain sense of two sahih hadiths. Many scholars rejected it, and some reports he used are judged fabricated.
The law: what the four schools hold
- Forgiveness for a deceased non-Muslim is forbidden (9:113; Muslim 976). Islamweb: "it is not permissible to supplicate for him or seek forgiveness for him."
- Prayer for a living relative's guidance is permitted, following the Daws precedent.
- Shafiʿi: al-Nawawi: "There is no problem for a Muslim to follow the funeral of a non-Muslim relative" (Minhaj p. 62). He also reports that visiting the grave is allowed according to the majority (al-Majmuʿ 5/144).
- Maliki: Malik (Mudawwana 1/261) says a Muslim should not wash his disbelieving father or follow the bier, "unless he fears that he may be neglected, in which case he may bury him."
- Hanbali: Ahmad said of a non-Muslim parent or relative: "if… he attended it, then there is no harm." He cited ʿUmar's instruction to Abu Waʾil about his Christian mother: "Ride in her funeral procession and be in front of her" (al-Khallal, via Islamweb 367663).
- Hanafi: condolence to a non-Muslim is allowed, with a formula of comfort (al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya 5/348).
- Visiting the grave and grieving are permitted on the basis of Muslim 976.
- A minority position: some modern Hanafi (Deobandi) fatwas forbid attending a non-Muslim's funeral. TheMufti (IslamQA.org), citing Ahsanul Fataawa 4/243, states that "it is not permissible for a Muslim to attend the funeral of a non-Muslim". By contrast, al-Bahr al-Raʾiq 2/205, cited by Faraz Rabbani, allows that "one may follow their funeral from afar."
What science says
Religion tends to help bereaved people, but not consistently. Wortmann and Park (2008) reviewed 73 studies and found the relations "generally positive but inconsistent and vary depending in part on how religion/spirituality is measured." A systematic review of 32 studies (Becker et al., Palliative Medicine 21(3), 2007) found some positive effect in 94% of them: 22 positive, 6 limited positive, 2 with no effect, and 1 in which religion made depression worse. Even so, it concluded that "available data do not allow for a definite answer on whether religious/spiritual beliefs effectively influence bereavement." Among 850 Hong Kong nurses, faith was "weakly associated with lower self-reported depression in bereavement" (Cheung, Lee & Yip, 2017). Limit: none of these studies covers grief for a loved one of a different faith, and no data on mixed-faith families were found.
The range of views
- Strict: those who clearly heard and rejected are lost, and funeral attendance is discouraged (Malik; some modern Hanafi fatwas).
- Mainstream: no prayer for forgiveness, but kindness, funerals (Shafiʿi, Hanbali), grave visits and grief are all allowed. The individual's fate is left to God.
- Wider hope: al-Suyuti on the Prophet's (pbuh) parents; al-Ghazali's hope for the Christians of his time.
Questions readers ask next
May I pray for my living non-Muslim mother?
Yes: for her guidance and her wellbeing.
May I say "God have mercy on him" for my late father?
Asking forgiveness is forbidden where it is clear he died a non-Muslim. No school-by-school ruling on general words of mercy was found, so ask a scholar you trust.
May I attend the funeral?
Shafiʿi and Hanbali texts allow it for relatives; Malik restricted it.
Is it wrong to hope they are saved?
No. The "message did not truly reach them" excuse is mainstream.
How do I live with missing them?
Visit the grave, keep doing the good things they loved, be kind to the family who remain, and bring your grief to God, as the Prophet (pbuh) did at his mother's grave.
Key verses
مَّنِ ٱهْتَدَىٰ فَإِنَّمَا يَهْتَدِى لِنَفْسِهِۦ ۖ وَمَن ضَلَّ فَإِنَّمَا يَضِلُّ عَلَيْهَا ۚ وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةٌ وِزْرَ أُخْرَىٰ ۗ وَمَا كُنَّا مُعَذِّبِينَ حَتَّىٰ نَبْعَثَ رَسُولًا١٥
Transliteration: mani ih'tadā fa-innamā yahtadī linafsihi waman ḍalla fa-innamā yaḍillu ʿalayhā walā taziru wāziratun wiz'ra ukh'rā wamā kunnā muʿadhibīna ḥattā nabʿatha rasūlan
Whoever is guided is only guided for [the benefit of] his soul. And whoever errs only errs against it. And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And never would We punish until We sent a messenger.
Translation: Saheeh International
Sources
- Sahih al-Bukhari 1360, 4772, 2620, 4392; Sahih Muslim 976, 203, 2524 (sunnah.com; partly via subagent).
- al-Suyuti, Masalik al-Hunafaʾ, trans. G. F. Haddad, https://www.livingislam.org/suyuti_e.html (via subagent).
- Federal Territory Mufti (Malaysia), Irsyad al-Fatwa 321, citing al-Nawawi and Malik's Mudawwana 1/261 (https://www.muftiwp.gov.my/index.php/en/artikel/irsyad-fatwa/irsyad-fatwa-umum-cat/3720-irsyad-al-fatwa-series-321-attending-the-funeral-of-non-muslim-neighbour); Islamweb fatwa 367663, citing Ahmad via al-Khallal (https://www.islamweb.net/en/fatwa/367663/attending-funeral-of-non-muslim-relative); al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya 5/348 (via subagent).
- Islamweb fatwa 243244.
- J. H. Wortmann & C. L. Park, Death Studies 32 (2008): 703–736.
- T. Cheung, P. H. Lee & P. S. F. Yip, BMC Research Notes 10:242 (2017). https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s13104-017-2588-7
- al-Ghazālī, Fayṣal (tr. S. Jackson 2002)
- Muslim 976
- Khalil (2012)
- Ibn al-Qayyim, Ḥādī al-arwāḥ (Ar.)