M13
Marriage: love and mercy between spouses
Marriage is called one of God's signs: "He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy" (30:21). Spouses are "clothing" for each other (2:187), and if a marriage ends it must end "with good treatment" (2:229).
وَمِنْ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَٰتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ٢١
Transliteration: wamin āyātihi an khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azwājan litaskunū ilayhā wajaʿala baynakum mawaddatan waraḥmatan inna fī dhālika laāyātin liqawmin yatafakkarūna
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.
Translation: Saheeh International
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O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. 4:19
Arabic text and transliteration
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُوا۟ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرْهًا ۖ وَلَا تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُوا۟ بِبَعْضِ مَآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأْتِينَ بِفَٰحِشَةٍ مُّبَيِّنَةٍ ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا
yāayyuhā alladhīna āmanū lā yaḥillu lakum an tarithū l-nisāa karhan walā taʿḍulūhunna litadhhabū bibaʿḍi mā ātaytumūhunna illā an yatīna bifāḥishatin mubayyinatin waʿāshirūhunna bil-maʿrūfi fa-in karih'tumūhunna faʿasā an takrahū shayan wayajʿala l-lahu fīhi khayran kathīran
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It has been made permissible for you the night preceding fasting to go to your wives [for sexual relations]. They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them. Allah knows that you used to deceive yourselves, so He accepted your repentance and forgave you. So now, have relations with them and seek that which Allah has decreed for you. And eat and drink until the white thread of dawn becomes distinct to you from the black thread [of night]. Then complete the fast until the sunset. And do not have relations with them as long as you are staying for worship in the mosques. These are the limits [set by] Allah, so do not approach them. Thus does Allah make clear His ordinances to the people that they may become righteous. 2:187
Arabic text and transliteration
أُحِلَّ لَكُمْ لَيْلَةَ ٱلصِّيَامِ ٱلرَّفَثُ إِلَىٰ نِسَآئِكُمْ ۚ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ ۗ عَلِمَ ٱللَّهُ أَنَّكُمْ كُنتُمْ تَخْتَانُونَ أَنفُسَكُمْ فَتَابَ عَلَيْكُمْ وَعَفَا عَنكُمْ ۖ فَٱلْـَٰٔنَ بَٰشِرُوهُنَّ وَٱبْتَغُوا۟ مَا كَتَبَ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمْ ۚ وَكُلُوا۟ وَٱشْرَبُوا۟ حَتَّىٰ يَتَبَيَّنَ لَكُمُ ٱلْخَيْطُ ٱلْأَبْيَضُ مِنَ ٱلْخَيْطِ ٱلْأَسْوَدِ مِنَ ٱلْفَجْرِ ۖ ثُمَّ أَتِمُّوا۟ ٱلصِّيَامَ إِلَى ٱلَّيْلِ ۚ وَلَا تُبَٰشِرُوهُنَّ وَأَنتُمْ عَٰكِفُونَ فِى ٱلْمَسَٰجِدِ ۗ تِلْكَ حُدُودُ ٱللَّهِ فَلَا تَقْرَبُوهَا ۗ كَذَٰلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ ٱللَّهُ ءَايَٰتِهِۦ لِلنَّاسِ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَتَّقُونَ
uḥilla lakum laylata l-ṣiyāmi l-rafathu ilā nisāikum hunna libāsun lakum wa-antum libāsun lahunna ʿalima l-lahu annakum kuntum takhtānūna anfusakum fatāba ʿalaykum waʿafā ʿankum fal-āna bāshirūhunna wa-ib'taghū mā kataba l-lahu lakum wakulū wa-ish'rabū ḥattā yatabayyana lakumu l-khayṭu l-abyaḍu mina l-khayṭi l-aswadi mina l-fajri thumma atimmū l-ṣiyāma ilā al-layli walā tubāshirūhunna wa-antum ʿākifūna fī l-masājidi til'ka ḥudūdu l-lahi falā taqrabūhā kadhālika yubayyinu l-lahu āyātihi lilnnāsi laʿallahum yattaqūna
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Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment. And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep [within] the limits of Allah. But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allah, then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself. These are the limits of Allah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah - it is those who are the wrongdoers. 2:229
Arabic text and transliteration
ٱلطَّلَٰقُ مَرَّتَانِ ۖ فَإِمْسَاكٌۢ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ تَسْرِيحٌۢ بِإِحْسَٰنٍ ۗ وَلَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَأْخُذُوا۟ مِمَّآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ شَيْـًٔا إِلَّآ أَن يَخَافَآ أَلَّا يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ ٱللَّهِ ۖ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ ٱللَّهِ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا فِيمَا ٱفْتَدَتْ بِهِۦ ۗ تِلْكَ حُدُودُ ٱللَّهِ فَلَا تَعْتَدُوهَا ۚ وَمَن يَتَعَدَّ حُدُودَ ٱللَّهِ فَأُو۟لَٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلظَّٰلِمُونَ
al-ṭalāqu marratāni fa-im'sākun bimaʿrūfin aw tasrīḥun bi-iḥ'sānin walā yaḥillu lakum an takhudhū mimmā ātaytumūhunna shayan illā an yakhāfā allā yuqīmā ḥudūda l-lahi fa-in khif'tum allā yuqīmā ḥudūda l-lahi falā junāḥa ʿalayhimā fīmā if'tadat bihi til'ka ḥudūdu l-lahi falā taʿtadūhā waman yataʿadda ḥudūda l-lahi fa-ulāika humu l-ẓālimūna
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And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted. 4:128
Arabic text and transliteration
وَإِنِ ٱمْرَأَةٌ خَافَتْ مِنۢ بَعْلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوْ إِعْرَاضًا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَآ أَن يُصْلِحَا بَيْنَهُمَا صُلْحًا ۚ وَٱلصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ ۗ وَأُحْضِرَتِ ٱلْأَنفُسُ ٱلشُّحَّ ۚ وَإِن تُحْسِنُوا۟ وَتَتَّقُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا
wa-ini im'ra-atun khāfat min baʿlihā nushūzan aw iʿ'rāḍan falā junāḥa ʿalayhimā an yuṣ'liḥā baynahumā ṣul'ḥan wal-ṣul'ḥu khayrun wa-uḥ'ḍirati l-anfusu l-shuḥa wa-in tuḥ'sinū watattaqū fa-inna l-laha kāna bimā taʿmalūna khabīran
If you want to go deeper
4min read
What it means
Sakan, mawadda, raḥma. Sakan (30:21) is tranquillity, the calm of being at home. Mawadda is affection, love that shows itself. Raḥma is mercy, compassion that carries people through weakness.
What the Quran says
A sign of God (30:21). "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought" (30:21), Meccan. Ibn Kathir explains why spouses stay together: a man stays with a woman "because he loves her", or "he feels compassion towards her if they have a child together", or because "she needs him to take care of her". The commentary attributed to Ibn ʿAbbas (Tanwīr al-Miqbās, printed with it) reads mawadda as the "love of the wife for her husband" and raḥma as the "mercy of the husband towards his wife", adding that "it is also said" the terms can mean love between young and old.
Live with them in kindness (4:19). "O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion… And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them — perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good" (4:19), Medinan. Ibn Kathir cites Ibn ʿAbbas (recorded by al-Bukhari) on the occasion: before Islam, "when a man dies, his male relatives used to have the right to do whatever they wanted with his wife"; the verse forbade it. He explains "live with them in kindness" as "saying kind words to them, treating them kindly and making your appearance appealing for them, as much as you can", and describes the Prophet (pbuh) as "kind, cheerful, playful with his wives", who used to race with ʿAʾisha. On "perhaps you dislike a thing", Ibn ʿAbbas said God may give him a child with her, "and this child carries tremendous goodness".
Clothing for each other (2:187). "They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them" (2:187), in the Medinan verses on fasting. The image is mutual: each covers, protects and is close to the other.
Settlement and divorce (4:128; 2:229). "And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them — and settlement is best" (4:128). "Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment" (2:229).
What the Prophet (pbuh) taught
Your wife has a right over you. When ʿAbdullah ibn ʿAmr (ra) fasted every day and prayed all night, the Prophet (pbuh) said: "Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them (the fast) at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you" (Bukhārī 5199 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)). Even worship must not crowd out one's spouse.
The best to his family. "The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives" (al-Tirmidhi 3895; al-Tirmidhi: ḥasan gharīb ṣaḥīḥ; al-Albani: ṣaḥīḥ).
How scholars have understood it
The legal rights of spouses by school have not yet been consulted either.
What research shows
Marital quality and health. Established (small effects.) Robles and colleagues (2014) reviewed 126 studies with more than 72,000 people over 50 years. "Greater marital quality was related to better health", with effects of about r = .07 to .21 (r = .11 for mortality) — small, similar in size to the links between health behaviours such as diet and health. The designs limit conclusions about cause.
The "5 to 1" ratio. [Moderate; disputed.] The Gottman Institute reports that in studies by John Gottman and Robert Levenson, couples were asked to "solve a conflict in their relationship in 15 minutes", and that stable, happy couples showed about five positive interactions for every negative one; it claims "over 90% accuracy" in predicting divorce nine years later. That claim comes from the Institute itself; independent criticism of its prediction method (often said to overfit the data) has not yet been consulted, so the figure should be treated cautiously.
In daily life
Say kind words, and say them often (Ibn Kathir on 4:19).
Make time. No duty — work, worship, even good works — should crowd out your spouse (Bukhārī 5199 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)).
In conflict, keep the ratio high: notice and say what is good, not only what is wrong.
If you dislike something in your spouse, remember 4:19: "perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good".
If the marriage is failing, try settlement (4:128) and arbitration (4:35) — and if it ends, end it "with good treatment" (2:229).
For the heart and mind
If you are in an abusive marriage, your safety comes first. No verse requires you to stay in danger. See the help box on "Does Islam treat women unequally?", or findahelpline.com.
If your marriage is lonely, that is a real loss. A counsellor — ideally one who respects your faith — can help couples rebuild; many Muslim family-support organisations exist.
If your marriage ended, divorce is permitted, and the Quran asks that it end with good treatment (2:229), not with shame.
Questions readers ask next
What is the difference between mawadda and raḥma?
Mawadda: affection, love that shows. Raḥma: mercy, compassion. Ibn Kathir explains that spouses stay together through love, through compassion (for example, through a child), and through need.
What does "clothing" in 2:187 mean?
Each spouse covers, protects and is close to the other; the image is mutual.
Do I have to love my spouse all the time?
4:19 expects that you may dislike things in your spouse, and asks for kindness anyway.
Is the 5:1 ratio scientific?
It comes from Gottman's research, reported by his institute; the strong prediction claims are debated.
What rights do spouses have in Islamic law?
Not covered in detail here; see the run 5 research and a future page on marriage law.
Sources
- Saheeh International via the site's Tanzil data — 30:21, 4:19, 2:187, 2:229, 4:128.
- Ibn Kathir, Tafsir (abridged English), on 30:21, https://surahquran.com/tafsir-english-aya-21-sora-30.html, and on 4:19, https://surahquran.com/tafsir-english-aya-19-sora-4.html.
- Sahih al-Bukhari 5199 (sunnah.com), https://sunnah.com/bukhari:5199.
- Jamiʿ al-Tirmidhi 3895 (via hadithunlocked.com), with grades.
- T. F. Robles, R. B. Slatcher, J. M. Trombello and M. M. McGinn, "Marital quality and health: a meta-analytic review", Psychological Bulletin 140:1 (2014), https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23527470/ — abstract.
- The Gottman Institute, "The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science", https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/.
- DHA, "2025'te 552 bin çift evlendi, 193 bin çift boşandı" (TÜİK data)
- Gottman & Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; critique: Heyman & Slep (2001) on prediction methodology
- Robles et al., "Marital quality and health: A meta-analytic review," Psychological Bulletin 2014
- Al-Ghazālī, Iḥyāʾ, "Ādāb al-Nikāḥ"; Ibn Kathīr on 30:21