M3
Parents and family
In the Quran, kindness to parents comes straight after the worship of God: "your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment" (17:23). It is owed even to parents of another faith, but obedience stops where they command wrong (31:15) — and family duties run in every direction, from parents to children and between spouses.
۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا٢٣ وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًا٢٤
Transliteration: waqaḍā rabbuka allā taʿbudū illā iyyāhu wabil-wālidayni iḥ'sānan immā yablughanna ʿindaka l-kibara aḥaduhumā aw kilāhumā falā taqul lahumā uffin walā tanharhumā waqul lahumā qawlan karīman · wa-ikh'fiḍ lahumā janāḥa l-dhuli mina l-raḥmati waqul rabbi ir'ḥamhumā kamā rabbayānī ṣaghīran
And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."
Translation: Saheeh International
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And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. 31:14–15
Arabic text and transliteration
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ وَإِن جَٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا ۖ وَٱتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَىَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
wawaṣṣaynā l-insāna biwālidayhi ḥamalathu ummuhu wahnan ʿalā wahnin wafiṣāluhu fī ʿāmayni ani ush'kur lī waliwālidayka ilayya l-maṣīru · wa-in jāhadāka ʿalā an tush'rika bī mā laysa laka bihi ʿil'mun falā tuṭiʿ'humā waṣāḥib'humā fī l-dun'yā maʿrūfan wa-ittabiʿ sabīla man anāba ilayya thumma ilayya marjiʿukum fa-unabbi-ukum bimā kuntum taʿmalūna
If you want to go deeper
6min read
What it means
Birr and iḥsān. Birr al-wālidayn means goodness and devotion to parents; the Quran's word in 17:23 is iḥsān, "good treatment" done beautifully. ʿUqūq is the opposite: harming or cutting off parents.
Ṣilat al-raḥim. "Joining the womb": keeping ties with relatives. The word raḥim (womb) shares its root with raḥma (mercy).
What the Quran says
Not even "uff" (17:23–24). "And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], 'uff,' and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, 'My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small'" (17:23–24), from the Meccan Sura al-Isra. The verse pictures the hardest stage: parents in old age, living with you. "Uff" is a small sound of irritation; even that is ruled out.
Gratitude, and its limit (31:14–15). "And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents… But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness" (31:14–15), from Sura Luqman, Meccan. In Mecca, many young converts had idolater parents who pressured them to return. The verse says: do not obey them in that, but keep treating them well. The limit of obedience is set by God; the duty of kindness remains.
Spouses (30:21). "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy" (30:21). Marriage is described by what each gives the other: tranquillity, affection (mawadda), mercy.
Wider family (4:1, 4:36). God is the One "through whom you ask one another, and the wombs" (4:1): you must fear God regarding your ties of kinship. And: "to parents do good, and to relatives, orphans, the needy, the near neighbor…" (4:36).
What the Prophet (pbuh) taught
Your mother, three times. A man asked: "O Messenger of Allah! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (pbuh) answered "your mother" three times, and then "your father" (Bukhārī 5971 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound), narrated by Abu Hurayra).
Serving parents before volunteering for battle. A man asked the Prophet's (pbuh) permission to take part in jihad. He asked: "Are your parents alive?" The man said yes. He said: "Then strive in their service" (Bukhārī 3004 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound), narrated by ʿAbdullah ibn ʿAmr). In a related report, Jahima asked about going out to fight; the Prophet (pbuh) asked, "Do you have a mother?" and said: "Then stick with her, for Jannah is beneath her feet" (al-Nasaʾi 3104; graded sound in chain by al-Hakim and good-sound by al-Albani; other scholars, including al-Daraqutni and Ibn Hajar, discussed which version of the chain is correct — hadithunlocked.com). The setting in both is voluntary fighting; staying to care for parents was the greater duty.
What parents owe children: fairness. Al-Nuʿman ibn Bashir (ra) reports that his father wanted the Prophet (pbuh) to witness a gift to one son only. The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Be afraid of Allah, and be just to your children" (Bukhārī 2587 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)). Parents must not favour one child over another.
What spouses owe each other. ʿAʾisha (ra) reports: "The best of you is the best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives" (al-Tirmidhi 3895; al-Tirmidhi: ḥasan gharīb ṣaḥīḥ; al-Albani: ṣaḥīḥ). The measure of a man's goodness is how he treats the people with the least power to complain about him.
How scholars have understood it
The maqāṣid and the family. No named work was read on this point.
The law: what the four schools hold
No obedience in sin. Shaykh Amjad Rasheed, a contemporary Shafiʿi scholar, writes that "it is not obligatory to obey any of them if they command something that contravenes the shariah", and that obeying in such a case is "not even permissible" — for example, if parents stop a child from praying.
No obedience in what harms the child. Citing Ibn Hajar al-Haytami's Tuḥfat al-Muḥtāj (the standard late Shafiʿi legal work), he writes that "it is not obligatory to obey one's parents if they request something that entails fitna to the child" — that is, serious harm or trial — and that the child "must be soft in disobeying the parents so that he does not get harmed by them."
Some exceptions for the child's interest. He adds that some scholars exempt matters "due to what is best in the child's interests", such as "travelling to attain knowledge, even if recommended". Otherwise, in what is permissible, the child should comply.
Marriage and career. Readers ask whether a parent can choose their spouse or career. The source read does not address these directly, and the other schools' positions have not yet been consulted. On marriage, the page "Does Islam treat women unequally?" and the run 4 research on guardianship (wilāya) discuss whose consent is required.
What research shows
Family cohesion and adolescent wellbeing. No named study was read, so no numbers are given.
In daily life
With ageing parents. Speak gently, especially when you are tired; visit or call regularly; let them keep their dignity — ask their opinion even when you will decide yourself.
When a parent tries to control a decision that is yours. Listen, take their worry seriously, explain your reasons, and give them time. If the choice is permissible and right for you, you may make it while staying respectful (Rasheed, above). Ask a trusted relative or imam to mediate if needed.
As a parent. Be fair between children in gifts and attention (Bukhārī 2587 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)). Explain rather than only command. Remember that your children's rights over you are as real as yours over them.
With a spouse. Kindness in small things: the way you speak, help with the work of the home, patience with faults (Tirmidhi 3895; 30:21).
For the heart and mind
If your parent is abusive or controlling, Islam does not require you to accept abuse. Kindness to parents does not mean obeying commands that harm you (Ibn Hajar, via Rasheed). You can keep distance to stay safe, while not cutting them off with cruelty: a message on holidays, a prayer for them. If you are in danger, contact the police or a domestic-violence service; in many countries a confidential helpline is listed at findahelpline.com.
If your parents were not good to you, the command to honour them is not a claim that what they did was right. Many people find it helpful to separate "I honour my parents' place" from "I accept what they did". A counsellor can help you work through this.
If you are caring for a parent with dementia, 17:23–24 describes your situation. It is exhausting; asking for help is not a failure of birr.
Questions readers ask next
Where is the line between kindness and accepting control?
You owe kindness always; you owe obedience in permissible things that do not harm you. A parent cannot command sin, or something that brings serious harm to you (Ibn Hajar, via Rasheed).
What do parents owe their children?
Fairness between them (Bukhārī 2587 Ṣaḥīḥ (sound)), care, and the same mercy they ask for in old age (17:24).
What do husbands and wives owe each other?
Tranquillity, affection and mercy (30:21), and kindness as the measure of a good person (Tirmidhi 3895). Detailed rights in law are on the page on marriage.
What do (ra), (pbuh) and "kith and kin" mean?
(ra): "may God be pleased with him/her", said after a Companion. (pbuh): "peace be upon him", after the Prophet. Kith and kin: friends and relatives.
What is the context of al-Nasaʾi 3104?
A man asked to go to battle; the Prophet (pbuh) told him to stay with his mother, for "Jannah is beneath her feet". Bukhari 3004 makes the same point about parents in general.
Can my parents make me divorce, or choose my career?
Not checked in the four schools; the Shafiʿi source read limits obedience to permissible matters that do not harm the child.
Sources
- Saheeh International via the site's Tanzil data — 17:23–24, 31:14–15, 4:1, 30:21, 4:36.
- Sahih al-Bukhari 5971 (via hadithunlocked.com, https://hadithunlocked.com/bukhari:5971).
- Sahih al-Bukhari 3004 (via hadithunlocked.com, https://hadithunlocked.com/bukhari:3004).
- Sunan al-Nasaʾi 3104 (via hadithunlocked.com, https://hadithunlocked.com/nasai:3104), with grades.
- Sahih al-Bukhari 2587 (via hadithunlocked.com, https://hadithunlocked.com/bukhari:2587).
- Jamiʿ al-Tirmidhi 3895 (via hadithunlocked.com, https://hadithunlocked.com/tirmidhi:3895), with grades.
- Shaykh Amjad Rasheed, "Is obedience to parents absolute?", trans. Shazia Ahmad, Qibla (via islamqa.org), https://islamqa.org/shafii/qibla-shafii/33386/is-obedience-to-parents-absolute/ — citing Ibn Hajar al-Haytami's Tuḥfat al-Muḥtāj.
- Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5971